The Introduction.

January 31, 2020

One perk about living in Hawaii is that I only wear shoes when I am working out or going out. Any other time, I wear slippers.  I have lived here for just over a year now and am still not used to using the word slippers to describe flip-flops, but I do everything I can to assimilate to local life, so slippers it is. Another perk about living in Hawaii is that if I want to go to the beach after work in January, I can. It’s a far cry from my former Chicago life, and quite frankly I don’t miss feeling dead inside all winter with the obscenely cold wind blowing across frozen Lake Michigan. Oddly enough, I think that I still suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder in Hawaii. But I can’t tell if I am depressed from the shorter hours of daylight or because my life has been an uphill struggle for the better part of the past three years.

When does this end? 

When will I be happy again?

I have been thinking about Dad a lot lately and still have a lot of regrets. And my remote Chicago job is draining the life out of me. I feel that the new management is pushing out the old management, which I am a part of. Most of the people from the old administration have been let go and my manager, Rick, resigned last month. I set up a call next week with my new manager, Brian, so that I can explain how valuable I am and how much I deserve a raise. I am nervous because I feel like I’m on the chopping block anyway and will look like a fool by having the nerve to ask for a raise. If I lose my job, I am screwed because local companies don’t pay as much as my Chicago job and the prospects for remote work are few and far between. It doesn’t help that I haven’t found a solid friend tribe here. Yes, I have some friends here and there but there is a clear void of love and connection. Since I am feeling stressed and lonely today, I came to the beach after work to journal my feelings and relax. 

Leaving the beach, I see an unkempt, barefoot man with unruly, dirty blonde hair who has his eyes fiercely focused on me. I pretend to ignore him.

Please don’t talk to me. Please don’t talk to me.

He doesn’t receive my subliminal message.

“You know what? When your girlfriend plays you, you just have to move on with your life.”

I don’t stop walking. I intend to ignore him but I am so dumbfounded by his uninhibited comment that I accidentally make eye contact with him. And because I have no boundaries around not engaging with him, it feels awkward to not say anything.

“Yes.”

I have no other words. Plus, even though his statement should not be a hard opening to a conversation with a stranger, it was very logical and, yes, I do agree that he should move on with his life. Fortunately, I still have the walking pace of a Chicagoan. Unfortunately, this dude is so intent on talking to me that he matches my pace, which might as well be sprinting in Hawaii. He raises his hand to get my attention. Not that he has to do anything to get my attention. Despite my closed-off body language that he clearly does not know how to interpret, I haven’t stopped paying attention to him since the second I noticed him. I don't even turn my head towards him but he desperately needs me to listen and he will not let this go.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“No.”

Okay, maybe I do have some boundaries. I don’t stop walking. I hope I don’t have to start running because I don’t want to run in slippers. With all of the hardships over the past few years, I feel like I am running through life in slippers anyway. I’m exhausted from the struggle.

When will I be happy?