Forgiveness

Throwback to the 2011 Chicago Marathon. I finished in 3 hours and 31 minutes. My goal was to finish in under 3 hours and 30 minutes. I wasn't a minute off. I was almost two minutes off because my official time was 3:31:47. I beat myself up for that 1 minute and 48 seconds that kept me from my goal. I had to quit running marathons after 2013 because the self-imposed pressure I put on myself each race burned me out to the point I physically could not run long distances anymore.

I have been exploring forgiveness a lot in the past year and a huge breakthrough happened recently when I heard a quote from Will Smith:

"We don't forgive ourselves for stuff and it makes it impossible for us to forgive other people."

It didn't totally make sense to me at first but I was desperate to learn this elusive forgiveness thing, so I practiced. And when I started to forgive myself for beating myself up for not being "enough," for torturing my body through grueling exercise and staying in toxic relationships because I didn't love or respect myself, and for the countless other mistakes I have made in my life, I suddenly started seeing myself as a human being: scared, unknowing, and doing the best that I knew how at that time.

Ok, Will Smith, I get it now.